Join My Joy
by Unju
A few days ago I turned 42 years old.
I am significantly past the Big 4-0.
I have more than a few grey hairs.
I have friends that comment of how good I look for my age; as though I was coping with a disability.
This is not positivity.
To be positive is to accept the truth and make things better through it (not despite it). The truth is that I am 42. The truth is that I have grey hair. The truth is that I have entered middle-age.
I say, Good!
Professionally, my expertise is more easily accepted than when I was a 'little young thing'.
Personally, I've built a successful family that can only be achieved through decades of work.
Really Personally, Clark thinks my grey hair is hot.
I want to invite my fellow females to join my joy. We are on a trip of constant growth. You'll miss it if you keep staring at the calendar.
Join my joy and celebrate our energy.
Join my joy and proclaim our pride.
Join my joy and exude our sexy
Join my joy and find your own.
If you need to learn how, email me at unju@thecounselinggroup.net
How Do You Maintain?
by Clark
As a therapist and positive catalyst, sometimes people use me as a role model. They believe I know all the right things to do and don't make bad choices.
Trust me- I do!
I made a poor choice recently and it got me thinking. Who else might be making similar poor choices in their business that I did in my personal life?
In short- I failed to keep up on my car's maintainance. Because of that I went far past the recommended time to replace a part called a timing belt. I knew when it should have been changed. I knew the time had passed. I told myself that it's probably fine. I chose to ignore it.
The timing belt broke.
If you know cars then you just gasped. It's bad! When you break a timing belt there is a ripple of serious damage that spreads throughout the engine. To state it simply, a simple maintainance task (one day and a few hundred bucks) became a week and a half in the shop and a $3000 bill. All because I ignored a known need.
How often does that happen in our businesses. We see problems. We know that there are shortcomings, poor communication patterns, or outdates resources. How often do we say something like, "I'm sure it's fine.", "I'll get to it in the next cycle", or "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"?
Use my cautionary tale. Do some office maintainance. Are your facilities still a healthy, envigorating place to work? Do your employees have all the resources they need in the right amounts? Are you actively caring for your employees' well-being, so that they won't 'break down'? Are you taking care of your own well- being?
As your business' leader, people look to you as the role model. Take that seriously and show them that you are there for them- maintaining.
Take some time in the next days to check if there is maintainance to be done and invest in it. The alternative is to follow my 'role model' and pay several times more (in time, energy and revenue) in the end.
And go check your timing belt!
'Dragon' Yourself into 2012
by Unju
As you might have figured out by my picture, I'm Asian. To be exact, I'm Korean. I was born in South Korea and moved to the US when I was 4 years old. I've never been a very 'asian-y' Asian, but I'm facinated by some of the traditions; in particular New Year's celebrations. I'd like to talk about how we can apply their traditions to our lives!
Asian New Year is on January 23rd this year. For Asian culture it is a time of renewal, like a rest button for your entire life. Houses are cleaned throughout and painted to symbolize a new home for New Year's. Personal disputes are settled to allow a refreshed friendship. Debts are repaid or forgiven so that finances are balanced and 'new'. Some Asians even ignore their birthday and consider the New Year their 'rebirth' day- a whole new person for the New Year.
This is the Year Of The Dragon. Dragons are considered positive and powerful in Asian culture, not monsters as in the West. They are strong, ambitious, and confident without becoming showy. They are also very generous. This boldness and energy, however, runs the risk of creating weariness and isolation, if taken too far.
What can you apply to your life?
--First we can take the time until the 23rd to 'set things straight'. Organize your finances. Clean out the old clutter from your home/life. Reach out to people you're isolated from.
--Next we can resolve to be dragons this year. Be bold, ambitious, and aggressively generous. Along the way, we'll be sure to take care of ourselves to avoid 'burnout'.
Time is short before the 23rd. Start now and you can create a Happy New Year; no matter what your culture.
Set Up for the Let Down
by Clark
In my years of working with clients around the holidays, I've noticed a trend. I thought I'd show it to you in hopes of helping your holidays be brighter.
A lot of people talk about having a let down feeling immediately after a holiday (Hanukkah, Christmas, et al). They have shopped, decorated, cleaned and cooked; all in preparation of the holiday. They expend a burst of energy during the main holiday to 'make it happen'. Shortly after, they describe asking themselves, "It's over already?" after the gifts are open; or, "What do we do now?" after the holiday meal is done. This is not an unusual reaction but few people talk about it because it implies being disappointed.
The fact is that they build such occasions up too much. When they aren't perfect or magical, they feel a touch of disappointment. There are things they can do to help themselves. They might help you too:
- Predict the droop: A 'come down' (and even some disappointment) is acceptable and even appropriate. Don't take it as a sign that there's a problem.
- Expect less: Think about what probably will happen, rather than what would be really cool if it did happen. This sounds like settling but it's actually compensation for over-inflated expectations. You will be more satisfied with realistic amounts of cheer when you aren't expecting overwhelming amounts of it.
- Plan: Since you know the 'what now?' is coming, you can plan accordingly. Have a choice of activities ready to suit a variety of interests.
- Reflect Positively: Does it sound odd to get nostalgic about an event that happened a few minutes ago? It's not. Revisiting just-past pleasures reaffirm their validity and reduce the disappointment of it ending.
Accept that some post-holiday let down is normal and be ready to do something about it. This will allow the negative feelings to slide aside. Then they will truly be Happy Holidays.
A New Frame for Christmas
by Unju
As we move into the holidays again, most of us will find ourselves in at least one place we don’t really want to be. It may be an office party or an awkward visit with relatives. I wanted to remind you- It's all in how you look at it.
Imagine an old photograph, yellow and faded. If you put that picture in a sleek, modern frame it will appear old, worn out, and out of place. If you put it in a vintage style wooden frame, it will look antique, nostalgic, and valuable. The picture did not change; the context surrounding the picture changed.
It is the same for people when they 'reframe'.
Imagine someone visiting their in-laws during the holidays. In this person's case it's a challenge since the family is not active and does not talk much. They could easily expect a boring time ahead. However, other possibilities are revealed when they reframe:
- It's a chance to do some reading.
- It's a chance to take the lead in doing things.
- Their patience with the 'boring' in-laws can be a token of how they love their spouse.
The fact that the in-laws don't do or say much has not changed. What has become different is the way the situation is seen.
Notice that reframing is not 'Seeing the bright side of things". That old phrase implies ignoring the reality of a situation. In reframing, you fully acknowledge that a problem is a problem; you then make a conscious effort to look at it from a different point of view to find a positive outcome.
Try it this month. Didn't get the clothes you wanted for Christmas? Good! Now you can do an exchange and get the perfect size and color. Is a conversation with family members moving toward old, hurtful topics? Alright! Take a moment to cherish how far you've evolved past those same topics.
Reframing works. It can make a tough time become helpful; and allow an impossible time to become survivable.
So change your frame and change your world.
An Early Gift
by Unju
Look out! Today's entry is the type that people try to dismiss. They think I'm just 'preaching' or they read part of it then try to convince themselves,"That's not me." I encourage you to read the whole thing and accept that there are lessons we can all learn from the message. Thanks.
I was having a 'girls' get together' with an acquaintance and our daughters recently. She was talking about Christmas gifts. She sounded frustrated and laced her descriptions and plans with negative expectations about her husband. She said, things like, "This is only if he bothers to make it to the school program." and, "I might as well make the plans now since he won't care."
I must admit I was shocked; saying such negative things about her husband in front of her child. When I mentioned it, she waved to her child saying, "Oh she knows all this." She's done this before???
We think we hide the troubles from our children or that they don't know (or don't care). This is a false assumption.
I am blessed to direct a program that teaches coping skills to school children that are in broken and breaking families. I see the sadness, anger, confusion and fear that comes from parents that do not get along; whether married or not. The parents aren't aware of, or don't believe their child's reactions are important. I see that problems within marriages (or unhealthy co-parenting by ex-spouses) are major contributors in creating 'problem children'.
Don't misunderstand. No marriage or relationship with an ex is perfect. It would be silly to expect otherwise. Children actually learn from watching parents solve their conflicts. The problem is not that there are occasional problems; it's the overall negative atmosphere which we create- sometimes without knowing it.
Someone may have a yelling fight in front of the kids. Someone may roll their eyes at the mention of an ex. Someone may criticize a choice made by a spouse. They are all noticed and effect the child.
We are about to begin a season celebrating several holidays. All of them emphasize love, unity, generosity, and inclusion. Let's all take this atmosphere of positivity, and create greater love and better relationships.
We can all grow our love larger- so there is no such thing as, "That's not me."
This loving environment also just happens to be perfect for growing healthy children.
If you don't know how to start making this kind of change, or your relationship feels stuck despite your efforts, call us. We are experienced in creating healthy relationships. We would be happy to assist.
A better relationship and happy, healthy kids.
What great gifts!
No 'Snuff'= Better Business
by Clark
I was recently doing some executive coaching with a man, Bob (the standard fake name), by helping him brainstorm ideas. During our work Bob negated every idea and though that came up (his or mine). Every idea had a flaw. Every alternative had several 'holes' in it. Bob thought the meeting went well. I realized Bob was being a 'snuffer'.
You know what a snuffer is. It's the bell shaped thing on a long handle that people use to put out candles. Thay have been around for centuries and work very well. Bob was just as efficient as snuffing out ideas- before they have a chance to illuminate anything.
In therapeutic terms,
Bob is engaging in a thought distortion call negative filtering. His perception of an idea is mentally distorted (think of a piece of paper being folded in half) so that the positive aspects are blocked. Bob literally can't see the positive and believes that his 'all negative' perception is accurate since he thinks he's seeing the whole picture.
I'm sure you've met some 'snuffers'. They are quick to tell you what's wrong with a project, but will have no positive alternative. They resist going to a new place for lunch because, "It's too far- we'll be late". They shoot down new idea without discussion because, "It won't work-I just know it." When someone mentions their negativity, they insist that they, "...are just being realistic."
There are ways to work successfully with a snuffer; but my concern while writing this today is ...are you a snuffer?
Because they are operating under a powerful distortion, snuffers don't see that they are being unfairly negative- Bob didn't. That's bad for business. Most businesses thrive on new ideas for products, procedures and revenue streams. To be a snuffer means to reject possible improvements without fair consideration-and a business that is not trying new ways to improve is stagnating or dying.
If you find that you are always the person who says no or who plays 'devil's advocate' you may want to try these:
- Listen to all ideas and options before making any judgements. This will broaden your perspective and help see positive aspects of the alternatives.
- Recognize that there is no 'all bad' (or 'all good'). There are positive and negative parts to anything. If all you see is negative, there is something you are not missing.
- Allow the opinions of others you trust to weigh more heavily, since you realize your perspective is distorted.
All a snuffer needs to do, basically, is unfold the paper and see that the positive parts have always been there. An undistorted perspective goes a long way toward making effective business decisions.
Sorry, but I have no conclusive end to Bob's story. Bob is still working on recognizing the distortion and taking action to correct it. I have confidence he'll get it though.
If you're interested in learning more about thought distortions and how to correct them. Feel fre to contact me at info@clarkandunju.com.
Lessons From A 5 Year Old
by Unju
Wow! When I began this series of writings, back when we were sending out newsletters; this used to be called Lessons From a 3 Year Old. For those of you who are new to us, the gist is that our little daughter, Meryl, will occasionally teach me some very adult lessons.
I'm still learning from her.
Recently she reminded me of an essential quality we can all embody- abundance.
We were driving and stopped at a light. On the corner stood a homeless man with a small sign asking for food. I felt uncomfortable, my mind tumbling around my conflicted feelings on political, social, and economic issues. Little Meryl asked why that man was there and why he wanted food; I tried to explain in an age appropriate fashion. Meryl became quiet then asked, "Can I give him my cheese stick?" I thought (it was a long light) then agreed. Meryl rolled down her window, the man took it with many thanks and great appreciation, and then Meryl said the words that hit me..."It's ok, I have more."
I have more. Set aside the charged issue of homelessness and apply that statement to any part of your life.
Money? I have more.
Time? I have more.
Patience? I have more.
Love? I have more.
Myself? I have more.
It's a sad reality that we sometimes get 'stingy' with these things. We believe we have a limited supply of resources. We judge if someone/something is worthy of giving our limited selves to. We dole out tiny bits of ourselves, keeping the rest in reserve 'just in case'. When we fully realize our abundance- "I have more"- we no longer need to portion it out. We can freely give our energy, our time, our love.
Accept this...We always have more!
It's a bit of a leap to accept your abundance right now. Many want to attach milestones to it. They say, "When I achieve (insert goal) then I'll be generous." Don't wait. You can make that leap. Every day that your personal abundance goes ignored is a day that it is wasted.
Give an ear to listen.
Give a hug.
Give a hoot.
Give a cheese stick.
It's ok, You have more.
Beyond Behavior
by Clark
Whether in business or in your personal life, emotions are important. Our feelings are what drive our behaviors. Why, then, do we only tend to notice behaviors from others?
Bob, a client (and not his real name), was having trouble at work. His supervisor was acting more aggressive than before. He barked orders, stopped his 'open door' policy, and berated mistakes in front of other employees. Bob was understandably concerned and wondered how to react to such behavior. I recommended doing a 'jump'.
Think of a person as an old time steam train. The grating at the front that fans out is sometimes called a 'cow-catcher'. It's designed to push obstructions off the track and, at high speeds, can smash things rather than move them. An upset person's negative behavior is like that cow-catcher; jutted out ahead of them, potentially smashing anything that gets in the way. What's driving the cow-catcher (behavior) is a locomotive. Emotions are the locomotive. They energize and push our behaviors.
What do you do if you find yourself in front of a racing train? You could charge and smash back at it; but you'd just cause an explosion. You could steady yourself and try to push it to a stop; but trains are big and you'd probably get run over. You could step aside and let it run by; but then it'd just smash someone else...OR ...You could jump out of the cow-catchers' way and jump into the locomotive to help the engineer shut down the power and apply the brakes.
That is a jump.
Bob thought about what feelings would drive such behavior in an otherwise kind man. Then, while alone with the supervisor, noted, "It sure is a scary time around here. Since you lead us, you probably feel more worried than we do". Bob's apprisal of his boss' feeling were right. They spent some time talking about the pressures at the company. Bob's boss never had a teary catharsis, but he did calm down (thanks in part to Bob's jump). He even eventually apologized for taking it out on the 'troops'.
Do like Bob. When your spouse acts grumpy, don't smash back with a comment. When a coworker gossips maliciously, don't just put your head down and keep walking. Jump past the action and address the emotion driving it.
Go beyond behavior.
Life Is Short
by Clark
A friend and former coworker suffered a sad trauma yesterday. Her husband of many years passed away suddenly. She told us that he complained of a 'sour stomach' and was gone within 24 hours. The shock is not that he died (we all will), but how quickly and with almost no notice.
Our hearts and prayers are with our friend Carol.
You've heard this message before, but some things need to be repeated frequently. Life Is Short. We all lead busy lives, mostly chasing money around. It's all too easy to lose sight of what's important- the people and life we love.
Life Is Short.
You might think you're being considerate when you think, "He looks busy. I'll hug him later."
Life Is Short.
You might think it's important to resist win an argument in order to 'send a message'
Life Is Short
You might plan to share deep feelings with your kids when they get older.
Life Is Short.
You mite misspell something.
Life Is Short
Take a break. Take a chance. Take a trip.
Life Is Short.
Try. Fail. Look like an idiot. Smile.
Life Is Short.
Make less money and make more time.
Life Is Short.
Give generously and anonymously- They'll never know you, but they'll never forget you.
Life Is Short.
Do you see the theme? Do you know what to do?
Life Is Short.
No more reading...Go.
Life Is Short.
