The Positive Life with Clark and Unju

Wise Words Still

Clark and Unju — Wed, 16 May 2012 00:17:01 GMT

from Unju
info@clarkandunju.com

I was doing some research recently and was reviewing some old notes I had made. I hang on to seemingly random tidbits of information for future reference. These days they are mostly in digital form on my computer, but this one was on a slip of paper in a book. I was researching concepts of success and the book wasn't even related to the topic. I was just moving it when I saw and read the old slip of paper. It said:

What is success? To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; That is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This perspective on success is the best I have known. It is applicable to any setting. Work, family, and society. All topics can find encouragement within this definition.

I can add little to it except to encourage you to go back up, read it again, and ask yourself how well you are succeeding.

If you want to find effective ways to attain real success in life, contact me at info@clarkandunju.com

Free-time Fences

Clark and Unju — Wed, 02 May 2012 12:55:54 GMT

by Clark
info@clarkandunju.com

How often do you say, "I'll do it when I get some free time"? Whether it's a chore, a phone call to a friend, a restful period of 'nothing'; it gets put off until you find an open spot in your life.

You'll have a very hard time finding it, because "nature abhors a vacuum."

That's what the ancient genuis Aristotle said. He was talking about air and arrows. When an arrow flies through the air, it does not cut open a slice where there is no air (a vacuum). The air instantly closes in behind the arrow, no matter how fast it's going. According to Aristotle, this was evidence that nature will not allow there to be a place where there is nothing.

Look at other places in nature. A bald patch of grass is quickly filled in with more grass or weeds. If a branch falls off a tree in the forest, other trees move into that hole.

It is the same with life. If there is an open spot in your day, something will come along to fill it. Tasks will take longer. A minor 'emergency' will come along. The things in your life that are waiting for an opening to come never get attention. Nature abhors a vacuum.

I know it sounds like we're doomed to be slaves to our schedules and never get to do the things we want. It's not like that. Instead, this is a call to a simple action- build a fence.

Fences are boundaries that keep things in or, in this case, out. Set aside times for nothing. Schedule spontaneity. Create an appointment to create.

I know, I know, it sounds horribly micro-managed and 'anal'. It is actually the opposite. All you're doing is building a fence around the time to keep other things in your life from encroaching. Even though the inside of the fence may be empty (aka free time), it is perceived as having substance and stays open.

Sound new-agey? Try it. Next week, pick two friends. Call the first one 'when you get a chance'. With the second, set a specific time to call. See which happens first. Life will find things to make the first call tough. You'll probably only get it done by pushing something else out of the way and making the call a priority; like it already was with the scheduled friend.

Again-this is not micro-managing. What you talk about is open to the moment. It's only a fence that allows you to insert (do) anything you want.

Populate your life with 'Free-time Fences' and see how life becomes more enjoyable and rewarding.

Want to learn more about creating a productive and happy life? Email me at info@clarkandunju.com .

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

You Are Competent

Clark and Unju — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:50:57 GMT

by Clark
info@clarkandunju..com

Recently I've had a few clients using the phrase "I can't" in increasing amounts. They tell me that they can't change. They tell me they can't take the next appropriate step. They tell me they can't move on.

Maybe you've felt that way.

Please hear this clearly. You are competent.

Competence is defined as, "having ability, knowledge, experience, etc., for some purpose; properly qualified".

It is an undeniable truth that you already have all the ability, knowledge, and experience you need. You can take care of, and take control of, your life. It is also one of the key foundations in our Philosophy Of Positivity. The problem is that some people don't use their competence.

Folks often try to deny or avoid their own competence. After all, if it's impossible- I don't have to try. If I lack the ability- I won't have to risk. As a result, these people have lost their efforts at growth before they've begun.

Whether personal or professional, keep your life growing in a healthy direction. To do that, embrace this simple truth- "I can". You might not know exactly how, but those are skills and skills can be learned.

Embrace that you can face and overcome challenges. Embrace that you can have negative feelings and not be devastated. Embrace that you can get through any hardship and become healthier because of it. You do not have to earn it. You can not lose it. It simply exists and all you need to do is accept it and utilize it.

You are competent.

To learn more about activating your competence, contact us at info@clarkandunju.com .

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

Pre-appreciation

Clark and Unju — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:01:33 GMT

by Unju
info@clarkandunju.com

In this post I'd like to speak to business leaders.

Please don't wait to appreciate!

I was in the lobby of an office building, about to meet a client. I overheard an executive giving someone detailed directions about a task that was clearly not within the employee's job desciption. At the end, the boss asked, "Got it?". The employee muttered under his breath, "You could say thank you." The boss heard him too and, to my surprise, said "Go do it, then maybe I'll thank you."

How rude and demotivating! It was all I could do to keep from giving that executive some 'free coaching'. He could have learned a lesson from my 6 year old daughter Meryl.

She just recently turned 6, and in leiu of a party we took her to the Nickelodeon Resort for a weekend. If you're not familiar with the place, imagine loud games, loud pools, hyper-kinetic shows, and 'slime' everywhere. Kid heaven! Meryl had been looking forward for a great while to go there and was bouncing in her car seat by the time we arrived. She could barely contain herself.

As we approached the lobby to check in, Meryl stopped. When we asked why, she motioned for us to come closer. Since she was suddenly quiet I was concerned. With Clark and I close she said, "Thank you for what we're going to do." I can tell you, that sentence alone made us do our best to include as many activities as possible for her. We knew she appreciated it.

Business leaders take note. Give your appreciation early and often. Do not base your appreciation on what your employees have done. Instead base it on what they are going to do.

Do not fear that frequent and active appreciation will reduce their motivation. Meryl's apprecation did not lead us to say, "She already appreciates us, let's skip taking her to...". Instead it made us want to do more. It will be the same with your staff.

When you use open and active appreciation before an event, pre-appreciation, you can improve productivity, increase employee loyalty, and create a more positive workplace.

Don't wait to appreciate!

If you'd like to learn more ways to be a truly positive leader, contact us at info@clarkandunju.com .

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

Positive Habits, Step-by-Step

Clark and Unju — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:46:27 GMT

by Clark
info@clarkandunju.com

A coaching client (Bob) was recently talking about wanting to build a positive habit. In his case it was setting specific times to return emails at his office (they were beginning to overwhelm his day). He described holding to his new schedule for "the correct 21 days" but not feeling it getting any easier.

Bob said he felt like a failure.

I had heard the advice too; that new habits takes 21 days to develop. Whether it's adding exercise to your life or quitting smoking- it takes 21 days to create the change.

Boy is that wrong!

The number appears to be based on a 1960 book in which a doctor (Dr. Maxwell Maltz) noted that it took 21 days for his patients to accept the loss of a limb and begin adjusting to their new lives. He then generalized it to say that accepting a new change in your life takes 21 days.

This information is far too narrowly developed to be useful to us.

Other studies show a wide range of time needed to develop a habit (18-254 days) depending on how drastic the change is and other factors in the person's life. The mathematical average of days to effect a new habit is 66 days.

No wonder Bob felt discouraged. It seems he grossly underestimated the time change would take. He also underestimated the difficulty of the change; since his inbox flashes throughout the day, begging for attention. After 3 weeks with no perceived progress, Bob trusted the numbers and not himself. That led to self-blame..

Here is a healthier alternative. Forget about how long it takes; just do it today. Repeat tomorrow and tomorrow and so on. The key is not to make it a set amount of days and then you're done. The key is to do it every day from here on.

With this approach, it will get easier; no matter how long it takes.

Bob readjusted his self-set expectations and is altering his email patterns step-by-step. This has the added benefit of letting the people on the other end of the email adjust as well; thus reducing the amount 'did you get this' resends.

I imagine you have changes you'd like to sculpt in your life. I imagine you've heard the 21 day myth too. Set it aside and go step-by-step.

Only then will you reach success.

To learn more positive growth, contact me at info@clarkandunju.com

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

Remember the Big Stuff

Clark and Unju — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:02:16 GMT

by Clark
info@clarkandunju.com

A client, Bob, was recently lamenting that his employees were appearing to work hard but getting little done. Upon further talking, it seemed like some teams were undoing the progress of others. My client spoke passionately about how he tells each team what to do, but 'something always comes up' that undoes the how the teams proceed- and productivity is lost.

It reminded me of a quote from the baseball great (and classic mis-speaker) Yogi Berra. He said,"If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there."

Bob had become too wrapped up in what his teams were 'doing' and forgot where they were 'going'. This isn't uncommon. Businesspeople can easily become shortsighted and see only as far as the next deadline. Now, don't get me wrong-short term goals are good. They help projects move at a steady pace and keep workers from becoming overwhelmed. The problem is when they are all we see.

By their nature, short-term activities do not focus on the big picture and are rarely perfectly on target toward the larger goals. Each little item that is completed, even if only slightly askew from the mission of the business, can add up and divert teams further from big goals. Then businesspeople 'suddenly' find themselves doing things that are ineffective or even harmful to their team/business.

As a result of this pitfall, Bob clung too tightly to having his teams achieve tasks under his control. The teams had no inter-communication. They did not know the larger picture. They had little ability to adjust their approach even if they became aware that they were causing 'friction' in the progress.

Learn from Bob. Ask yourself- Do your teams/coworkers have the ability to communicate about the 'why' for tasks and how they fit into the larger goals? Do they have the authority to make adjustments that will help the process?

It may mean, like it did for Bob, letting go of some 'boss power' but will result in becoming a much more effective leader.

Want to learn more? Contact me at info@clarkandunju.

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

Join My Joy

Clark and Unju — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:10:59 GMT

by Unju

A few days ago I turned 42 years old.
I am significantly past the Big 4-0.
I have more than a few grey hairs.
I have friends that comment of how good I look for my age; as though I was coping with a disability.

This is not positivity.

To be positive is to accept the truth and make things better through it (not despite it). The truth is that I am 42. The truth is that I have grey hair. The truth is that I have entered middle-age.

I say, Good!

Professionally, my expertise is more easily accepted than when I was a 'little young thing'.
Personally, I've built a successful family that can only be achieved through decades of work.
Really Personally, Clark thinks my grey hair is hot.

I want to invite my fellow females to join my joy. We are on a trip of constant growth. You'll miss it if you keep staring at the calendar.

Join my joy and celebrate our energy.
Join my joy and proclaim our pride.
Join my joy and exude our sexy
Join my joy and find your own.

If you need to learn how, email me at unju@thecounselinggroup.net

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

How Do You Maintain?

Clark and Unju — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:23:06 GMT

by Clark

As a therapist and positive catalyst, sometimes people use me as a role model. They believe I know all the right things to do and don't make bad choices.

Trust me- I do!

I made a poor choice recently and it got me thinking. Who else might be making similar poor choices in their business that I did in my personal life?

In short- I failed to keep up on my car's maintainance. Because of that I went far past the recommended time to replace a part called a timing belt. I knew when it should have been changed. I knew the time had passed. I told myself that it's probably fine. I chose to ignore it.

The timing belt broke.

If you know cars then you just gasped. It's bad! When you break a timing belt there is a ripple of serious damage that spreads throughout the engine. To state it simply, a simple maintainance task (one day and a few hundred bucks) became a week and a half in the shop and a $3000 bill. All because I ignored a known need.

How often does that happen in our businesses. We see problems. We know that there are shortcomings, poor communication patterns, or outdates resources. How often do we say something like, "I'm sure it's fine.", "I'll get to it in the next cycle", or "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"?

Use my cautionary tale. Do some office maintainance. Are your facilities still a healthy, envigorating place to work? Do your employees have all the resources they need in the right amounts? Are you actively caring for your employees' well-being, so that they won't 'break down'? Are you taking care of your own well- being?

As your business' leader, people look to you as the role model. Take that seriously and show them that you are there for them- maintaining.

Take some time in the next days to check if there is maintainance to be done and invest in it. The alternative is to follow my 'role model' and pay several times more (in time, energy and revenue) in the end.

And go check your timing belt!

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

'Dragon' Yourself into 2012

Clark and Unju — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 01:50:51 GMT

by Unju

As you might have figured out by my picture, I'm Asian. To be exact, I'm Korean. I was born in South Korea and moved to the US when I was 4 years old. I've never been a very 'asian-y' Asian, but I'm facinated by some of the traditions; in particular New Year's celebrations. I'd like to talk about how we can apply their traditions to our lives!

Asian New Year is on January 23rd this year. For Asian culture it is a time of renewal, like a rest button for your entire life. Houses are cleaned throughout and painted to symbolize a new home for New Year's. Personal disputes are settled to allow a refreshed friendship. Debts are repaid or forgiven so that finances are balanced and 'new'. Some Asians even ignore their birthday and consider the New Year their 'rebirth' day- a whole new person for the New Year.

This is the Year Of The Dragon. Dragons are considered positive and powerful in Asian culture, not monsters as in the West. They are strong, ambitious, and confident without becoming showy. They are also very generous. This boldness and energy, however, runs the risk of creating weariness and isolation, if taken too far.

What can you apply to your life?

--First we can take the time until the 23rd to 'set things straight'. Organize your finances. Clean out the old clutter from your home/life. Reach out to people you're isolated from.
--Next we can resolve to be dragons this year. Be bold, ambitious, and aggressively generous. Along the way, we'll be sure to take care of ourselves to avoid 'burnout'.

Time is short before the 23rd. Start now and you can create a Happy New Year; no matter what your culture.

Set Up for the Let Down

Clark and Unju — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 01:23:46 GMT

by Clark

In my years of working with clients around the holidays, I've noticed a trend. I thought I'd show it to you in hopes of helping your holidays be brighter.

A lot of people talk about having a let down feeling immediately after a holiday (Hanukkah, Christmas, et al). They have shopped, decorated, cleaned and cooked; all in preparation of the holiday. They expend a burst of energy during the main holiday to 'make it happen'. Shortly after, they describe asking themselves, "It's over already?" after the gifts are open; or, "What do we do now?" after the holiday meal is done. This is not an unusual reaction but few people talk about it because it implies being disappointed.

The fact is that they build such occasions up too much. When they aren't perfect or magical, they feel a touch of disappointment. There are things they can do to help themselves. They might help you too:

- Predict the droop: A 'come down' (and even some disappointment) is acceptable and even appropriate. Don't take it as a sign that there's a problem.
- Expect less: Think about what probably will happen, rather than what would be really cool if it did happen. This sounds like settling but it's actually compensation for over-inflated expectations. You will be more satisfied with realistic amounts of cheer when you aren't expecting overwhelming amounts of it.
- Plan: Since you know the 'what now?' is coming, you can plan accordingly. Have a choice of activities ready to suit a variety of interests.
- Reflect Positively: Does it sound odd to get nostalgic about an event that happened a few minutes ago? It's not. Revisiting just-past pleasures reaffirm their validity and reduce the disappointment of it ending.

Accept that some post-holiday let down is normal and be ready to do something about it. This will allow the negative feelings to slide aside. Then they will truly be Happy Holidays.

A New Frame for Christmas

Clark and Unju — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 01:34:45 GMT

by Unju

As we move into the holidays again, most of us will find ourselves in at least one place we don’t really want to be. It may be an office party or an awkward visit with relatives. I wanted to remind you- It's all in how you look at it.

Imagine an old photograph, yellow and faded. If you put that picture in a sleek, modern frame it will appear old, worn out, and out of place. If you put it in a vintage style wooden frame, it will look antique, nostalgic, and valuable. The picture did not change; the context surrounding the picture changed.

It is the same for people when they 'reframe'.

Imagine someone visiting their in-laws during the holidays. In this person's case it's a challenge since the family is not active and does not talk much. They could easily expect a boring time ahead. However, other possibilities are revealed when they reframe:

It's a chance to do some reading.
It's a chance to take the lead in doing things.
Their patience with the 'boring' in-laws can be a token of how they love their spouse.

The fact that the in-laws don't do or say much has not changed. What has become different is the way the situation is seen.

Notice that reframing is not 'Seeing the bright side of things". That old phrase implies ignoring the reality of a situation. In reframing, you fully acknowledge that a problem is a problem; you then make a conscious effort to look at it from a different point of view to find a positive outcome.

Try it this month. Didn't get the clothes you wanted for Christmas? Good! Now you can do an exchange and get the perfect size and color. Is a conversation with family members moving toward old, hurtful topics? Alright! Take a moment to cherish how far you've evolved past those same topics.

Reframing works. It can make a tough time become helpful; and allow an impossible time to become survivable.

So change your frame and change your world.

An Early Gift

Clark and Unju — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:05:58 GMT

by Unju

Look out! Today's entry is the type that people try to dismiss. They think I'm just 'preaching' or they read part of it then try to convince themselves,"That's not me." I encourage you to read the whole thing and accept that there are lessons we can all learn from the message. Thanks.

I was having a 'girls' get together' with an acquaintance and our daughters recently. She was talking about Christmas gifts. She sounded frustrated and laced her descriptions and plans with negative expectations about her husband. She said, things like, "This is only if he bothers to make it to the school program." and, "I might as well make the plans now since he won't care."

I must admit I was shocked; saying such negative things about her husband in front of her child. When I mentioned it, she waved to her child saying, "Oh she knows all this." She's done this before???

We think we hide the troubles from our children or that they don't know (or don't care). This is a false assumption.

I am blessed to direct a program that teaches coping skills to school children that are in broken and breaking families. I see the sadness, anger, confusion and fear that comes from parents that do not get along; whether married or not. The parents aren't aware of, or don't believe their child's reactions are important. I see that problems within marriages (or unhealthy co-parenting by ex-spouses) are major contributors in creating 'problem children'.

Don't misunderstand. No marriage or relationship with an ex is perfect. It would be silly to expect otherwise. Children actually learn from watching parents solve their conflicts. The problem is not that there are occasional problems; it's the overall negative atmosphere which we create- sometimes without knowing it.

Someone may have a yelling fight in front of the kids. Someone may roll their eyes at the mention of an ex. Someone may criticize a choice made by a spouse. They are all noticed and effect the child.

We are about to begin a season celebrating several holidays. All of them emphasize love, unity, generosity, and inclusion. Let's all take this atmosphere of positivity, and create greater love and better relationships.

We can all grow our love larger- so there is no such thing as, "That's not me."

This loving environment also just happens to be perfect for growing healthy children.

If you don't know how to start making this kind of change, or your relationship feels stuck despite your efforts, call us. We are experienced in creating healthy relationships. We would be happy to assist.

A better relationship and happy, healthy kids.

What great gifts!

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

No 'Snuff'= Better Business

Clark and Unju — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 10:48:21 GMT

by Clark

I was recently doing some executive coaching with a man, Bob (the standard fake name), by helping him brainstorm ideas. During our work Bob negated every idea and though that came up (his or mine). Every idea had a flaw. Every alternative had several 'holes' in it. Bob thought the meeting went well. I realized Bob was being a 'snuffer'.

You know what a snuffer is. It's the bell shaped thing on a long handle that people use to put out candles. Thay have been around for centuries and work very well. Bob was just as efficient as snuffing out ideas- before they have a chance to illuminate anything.
In therapeutic terms,

Bob is engaging in a thought distortion call negative filtering. His perception of an idea is mentally distorted (think of a piece of paper being folded in half) so that the positive aspects are blocked. Bob literally can't see the positive and believes that his 'all negative' perception is accurate since he thinks he's seeing the whole picture.

I'm sure you've met some 'snuffers'. They are quick to tell you what's wrong with a project, but will have no positive alternative. They resist going to a new place for lunch because, "It's too far- we'll be late". They shoot down new idea without discussion because, "It won't work-I just know it." When someone mentions their negativity, they insist that they, "...are just being realistic."

There are ways to work successfully with a snuffer; but my concern while writing this today is ...are you a snuffer?

Because they are operating under a powerful distortion, snuffers don't see that they are being unfairly negative- Bob didn't. That's bad for business. Most businesses thrive on new ideas for products, procedures and revenue streams. To be a snuffer means to reject possible improvements without fair consideration-and a business that is not trying new ways to improve is stagnating or dying.

If you find that you are always the person who says no or who plays 'devil's advocate' you may want to try these:

Listen to all ideas and options before making any judgements. This will broaden your perspective and help see positive aspects of the alternatives.
Recognize that there is no 'all bad' (or 'all good'). There are positive and negative parts to anything. If all you see is negative, there is something you are not missing.
Allow the opinions of others you trust to weigh more heavily, since you realize your perspective is distorted.

All a snuffer needs to do, basically, is unfold the paper and see that the positive parts have always been there. An undistorted perspective goes a long way toward making effective business decisions.

Sorry, but I have no conclusive end to Bob's story. Bob is still working on recognizing the distortion and taking action to correct it. I have confidence he'll get it though.

If you're interested in learning more about thought distortions and how to correct them. Feel fre to contact me at info@clarkandunju.com.

Lessons From A 5 Year Old

Clark and Unju — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 10:57:31 GMT

by Unju

Wow! When I began this series of writings, back when we were sending out newsletters; this used to be called Lessons From a 3 Year Old. For those of you who are new to us, the gist is that our little daughter, Meryl, will occasionally teach me some very adult lessons.

I'm still learning from her.

Recently she reminded me of an essential quality we can all embody- abundance.

We were driving and stopped at a light. On the corner stood a homeless man with a small sign asking for food. I felt uncomfortable, my mind tumbling around my conflicted feelings on political, social, and economic issues. Little Meryl asked why that man was there and why he wanted food; I tried to explain in an age appropriate fashion. Meryl became quiet then asked, "Can I give him my cheese stick?" I thought (it was a long light) then agreed. Meryl rolled down her window, the man took it with many thanks and great appreciation, and then Meryl said the words that hit me..."It's ok, I have more."

I have more. Set aside the charged issue of homelessness and apply that statement to any part of your life.

Money? I have more.
Time? I have more.
Patience? I have more.
Love? I have more.
Myself? I have more.

It's a sad reality that we sometimes get 'stingy' with these things. We believe we have a limited supply of resources. We judge if someone/something is worthy of giving our limited selves to. We dole out tiny bits of ourselves, keeping the rest in reserve 'just in case'. When we fully realize our abundance- "I have more"- we no longer need to portion it out. We can freely give our energy, our time, our love.

Accept this...We always have more!

It's a bit of a leap to accept your abundance right now. Many want to attach milestones to it. They say, "When I achieve (insert goal) then I'll be generous." Don't wait. You can make that leap. Every day that your personal abundance goes ignored is a day that it is wasted.

Give an ear to listen.
Give a hug.
Give a hoot.
Give a cheese stick.

It's ok, You have more.

Beyond Behavior

Clark and Unju — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:43:19 GMT

by Clark

Whether in business or in your personal life, emotions are important. Our feelings are what drive our behaviors. Why, then, do we only tend to notice behaviors from others?

Bob, a client (and not his real name), was having trouble at work. His supervisor was acting more aggressive than before. He barked orders, stopped his 'open door' policy, and berated mistakes in front of other employees. Bob was understandably concerned and wondered how to react to such behavior. I recommended doing a 'jump'.

Think of a person as an old time steam train. The grating at the front that fans out is sometimes called a 'cow-catcher'. It's designed to push obstructions off the track and, at high speeds, can smash things rather than move them. An upset person's negative behavior is like that cow-catcher; jutted out ahead of them, potentially smashing anything that gets in the way. What's driving the cow-catcher (behavior) is a locomotive. Emotions are the locomotive. They energize and push our behaviors.

What do you do if you find yourself in front of a racing train? You could charge and smash back at it; but you'd just cause an explosion. You could steady yourself and try to push it to a stop; but trains are big and you'd probably get run over. You could step aside and let it run by; but then it'd just smash someone else...OR ...You could jump out of the cow-catchers' way and jump into the locomotive to help the engineer shut down the power and apply the brakes.

That is a jump.

Bob thought about what feelings would drive such behavior in an otherwise kind man. Then, while alone with the supervisor, noted, "It sure is a scary time around here. Since you lead us, you probably feel more worried than we do". Bob's apprisal of his boss' feeling were right. They spent some time talking about the pressures at the company. Bob's boss never had a teary catharsis, but he did calm down (thanks in part to Bob's jump). He even eventually apologized for taking it out on the 'troops'.

Do like Bob. When your spouse acts grumpy, don't smash back with a comment. When a coworker gossips maliciously, don't just put your head down and keep walking. Jump past the action and address the emotion driving it.

Go beyond behavior.

Life Is Short

Clark and Unju — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:40:24 GMT

by Clark

A friend and former coworker suffered a sad trauma yesterday. Her husband of many years passed away suddenly. She told us that he complained of a 'sour stomach' and was gone within 24 hours. The shock is not that he died (we all will), but how quickly and with almost no notice.

Our hearts and prayers are with our friend Carol.

You've heard this message before, but some things need to be repeated frequently. Life Is Short. We all lead busy lives, mostly chasing money around. It's all too easy to lose sight of what's important- the people and life we love.

Life Is Short.

You might think you're being considerate when you think, "He looks busy. I'll hug him later."

Life Is Short.

You might think it's important to resist win an argument in order to 'send a message'

Life Is Short

You might plan to share deep feelings with your kids when they get older.

Life Is Short.

You mite misspell something.

Life Is Short

Take a break. Take a chance. Take a trip.

Life Is Short.

Try. Fail. Look like an idiot. Smile.

Life Is Short.

Make less money and make more time.

Life Is Short.

Give generously and anonymously- They'll never know you, but they'll never forget you.

Life Is Short.

Do you see the theme? Do you know what to do?

Life Is Short.

No more reading...Go.

Life Is Short.

Like Breeds Like

Clark and Unju — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:47:57 GMT

By Unju

During a recent lunch with a friend, Jane*, I noticed something. A problem with an 'outside' force in her life was really a problem with herself.

Jane was venting about a coworker who wasn't 'doing his part'. She described many incidents of giving him a task, that it wasn't done when she expected it (or as she expected it), and she would do it herself. She described his behavior as rude and disrespectful. As a friend and therapist (what can I say, it's in my blood) I felt compelled to help Jane grow.

Jane thought she was projecting positive because she 'kept giving him chances' even though she 'should know better'. She resented that he did not take advantage of the tasks as a way to redeem himself in her eyes. She finally dismissed him as unreliable and disrespectful; expecting him to mess it up somehow.

The truth is she set herself up for failure. She took tasks away when not done on her schedule and criticized the tasks that do get completed. Then she bad-mouths him at lunch with friends. She seems to be the one treating her coworker poorly. She is behaving disrespectfully.

Jane insisted that, "He started it by messing things up." Maybe, but the start is not important. It's the result that matters. She said, "But he's stopped trying." I asked, "Would you try if you knew you were going to be belittled no matter what?"

If you want a quality or part of your life (such as respect) to grow, you need to create it yourself and give it away. Treat others with care and respect-even when they don't do it to you. If you keep it up you will create an all-encompassing environment of respect. Disrespect can not survive in such an environment.

It's the same no matter what you want. Want love? Be loving of everyone, not just attractive people. Want riches? Be generous toward everyone, not just those you can gain from. Want respect and support? Respect and support all, even those who let you down.

The last time we spoke, Jane reported that she has started letting her coworker do things his own way; and offering help (not criticism) when he doesn't know what to do. And guess what. Jane now sees, "...he's got some pretty good ideas". It's the beginning of respect.

Like breeds like. You get the feelings you give.

* not her real name, but she gave permission to write about this

Come Back to the Path

Clark and Unju — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 00:04:17 GMT

by Clark

I have a client that I've seen for a few sessions. We'll call him Bob (for privacy I refer to all my male clients, past or present, as 'Bob').

Bob's got it pretty bad. He made some poor choices and did some pretty shocking things. That led to some stiff consequences in his personal and professional life. He tried to avoid those consequences by making more poor choices, causing more suffering. He'd been doing this over 3 years when the consequences became too dire for him. Bob's wife is thinking of divorce. She's restricting contact with their kids. His friends stopped returning his calls. He lost one job and his current one is on shaky ground. As I said, he's got it bad.

Bob said, in a recent session, that he wonders if he should even be trying. After all, there's no hope of getting his life back together. I can understand why he feels so discouraged- but he's absolutely wrong!

There is no awkward situation, no tense relationship, no mistake-misstep-misdeed that makes you 'too far gone'. Period.

Think of life as a path. Good, healthy choices move you along your path. Unhealthy choices and behavior move you off the path. Keep making unhealthy choices and it won't take long until you're far off course. You might even be so far off that you can't see your life's path any more.

When this happens, people tend to do one of two things:
    -They try to blaze a shortcut back. This usually comes in the form of quick apologies, a short burst of good deeds, and then blaming others when they don't easily accept the 'sudden change'.
    -They give up, feeling there is no hope.

There is a third choice- go back. Just retrace your steps to where you veered off and continue from there. It's simple and it works (trust me- I've walked those paths with countless clients like Bob), yet people resist it.

This is usually because:
    -They feel like they're wasting time. They believe that anything that isn't jumping over to the healthy path and acting as though nothing had ever happened is 'going backwards'. As mentioned above, that doesn't work. Besides, if it gets you 'back on track' it can't be called a waste of time.
    -It requires you to recognize and accept your past poor choices. Sometimes people have trouble accepting that they are responsible for their own mess-ups.

Bob's still new in his journey, but I'm sure he'll do well. He has an apparent willingness to work. That and a guide is all it really takes.

Are you on your path? Are you feeling loved and supported? Does your life have purpose? Take a moment to think about that honestly.

If you're off you're path, a little or a lot, start walking. It's never too late to come back to the path.

The Business of Relationships

Clark and Unju — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 01:17:18 GMT

by Unju

I am preparing a presentation for a women's business networking group. It's designed to help them understand the professional importance of a personal relationship.

Too often people overemphasize the 'business' part of a business relationship. They limit their focus to what they can get out of the relationship (a sale, a referral, inside information). In turn this makes the relationship shallow and filled with expectations. Any relationship built on expectations rather than acceptance will not survive (business or otherwise).

Henry Ford said, "Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, working together is success." Notice how working together only happens after coming and staying together. There must be an established and sustained relationship before there can be successful business.

Some will argue for a more aggressive style of 'self-promotion' and it's true that you can make some one-time profits from it. The problem lies in what occurs next. Since you have no established relationship, they have no reason to be loyal or seek out your business. You will be consigned to 'chasing the sale' over and over. Also, since you seek only to get something from them, they will seek to get something from you- usually through deep price concessions.

The elements of a positive business relationship are similar to those of a healthy personal relationship ; no surprise. To build a connection you must honestly demonstrate:

                - Authenticity (be your honest self)
                - Humility (think less about your expectations)
                - Respect (see it their way)
                - Empathy (understand their emotions about the work at hand)

When you are honest about forging a relationship; and a business relation clearly 'gets' these things about you, then you will become accepted, trusted, and helpful in their eyes. That leads to successful business.

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL

A Slogan for Business and Life

Clark and Unju — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 17:57:00 GMT

by Clark

I was re-reading Unju's previous entry about problem solving and processing. It got me thinking.

I've been preparing a workshop to present at a business convention. The focus industry is plagued with a negative image (not deserved) and they want me to help them develop ways to communicate their more positive aspects more effectively. During my preparations I remembered an old sales slogan that holds true for these conventioneers. I think it also holds true for people processing problems differently-as Unju talked about. That phrase is:

"They won't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Intellect, insight, and inspiration are secondary. What matters is that you care about, and demonstrate care for, the other person.

The first important thing to note is that you must care, not just act like you care. If you engage in a conversation with a client and all you're really caring about is a desired outcome- it will show and reflect poorly on you. Such is the same in a relationship; remember you love this person, so take some interest.

Second you must demonstrate your care, not just say it. Demonstrate is different than declare. Too many businesspeople say things like, "We at Such and Such company really care about our clients." It sounds good but does not go nearly as far as knowing a few basic things about them, such as their mission, their current position within the industry, and what challenges are before them. In a relationship, demonstrating you care is more than saying, "I love you". Again, it's good but demonstration is better. Touching a hand, doing an extra chore, or just quietly listening will send a much stronger message.

Over the next few days pay attention to yourself at work and at home. Are your ideas and input being dismissed without much thought. If so, ask yourself if you are showing the other people in your life that they matter. Step up your demonstration and see if folks are more willing to accept your thoughts.

When they know how much you care- they'll care how much you know.

Copyright 2011-The Counseling Group PL